How Do You Forgive?

Do you have someone you need to forgive but can’t? Forgiveness is hard. If it’s needed, it’s because an offense has been committed. The nearer and dearer that offender, the greater the pain. The horrible feelings of betrayal and injustice grate on us. They refuse to leave our minds and let go of our hearts. The more we think about it, the more our resentment grows, like a snowball rolling down a hill. No wonder they say, “To err is human, to forgive is divine.” It feels like we need divine—superhuman—strength to forgive.

Here is the dilemma of forgiveness: as hard as it is to forgive, it is even harder on us when we refuse to forgive. We replay the offense over and over again in our minds. Each time, those haunting words—“How can he do this to me!”—bite us like a venomous snake, injecting bitterness deeper into our souls. So, it is said, “Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”

Yet, we find ourselves drinking the poison of bitterness instead of letting go and forgiving. Why? Maybe, it’s because it makes us feel superior in a twisted way: he is the villain; we are the innocent victim. We like how it makes us feel even though it comes with much pain. Some choose to live that way for the rest of their lives. We wonder how big the trauma must be that they cannot get out of it. Even so, it is sobering to realize how much damage we can inflict on someone else and how the inability to forgive can ruin one’s life.

Some are wise enough to see how the inability to forgive and move on only damages them, not the offender. They see the foolishness of poisoning their own souls on top of suffering the pain of betrayal. So, they boldly put it behind them and move on. As difficult as this may be, it is far better than withering away in the prison of resentment.

This may be easier with those who are not so close to us. But what about those with whom we must continue the relationship, whether at home or work? Here, we must consider another reason that makes forgiveness difficult—a misunderstanding about what forgiveness is. It is the idea that we can forgive only when we get over the pain. To offer forgiveness while suffering from lingering resentment doesn’t seem authentic. We want to forget before we forgive.

But is that easy to do, even possible? Neurologists tell us that we remember painful experiences far better and longer than pleasant ones. Most of us know how long it takes to heal from a traumatic experience. In some cases, even time cannot heal; it can only ease the pain little by little.

But forgiveness, according to the Bible, is not forgetting; it’s a promise. God is the ultimate Forgiver. But as an omniscient God, He cannot forget anything. If forgiving is forgetting, God can never forgive. God does say, “I will forgive their iniquity, and I will remember their sin no more” (Jeremiah 31:34). This doesn’t mean that He will forget (which He cannot); it’s a commitment and promise that He will never bring it up again to indict and punish His people.

This is an act of self-sacrificing love. When one offers this kind of forgiveness to the penitent offender, he releases the offender from the burden of feeling guilty and puts the burden on himself—not to punish the other by bringing up the offense again and again but to bear the lingering sense of pain and hurt himself.

But we must admit that while it is good to be forgiven, forgiveness does not serve justice. Any interaction that ignores justice is not right. This is why Jesus Christ had to come. In forgiving us, He did not just release us from our guilty feelings by a promise of pardon; to satisfy justice, He took upon Himself the guilt of His people and paid for it by His death. There is full forgiveness in Jesus Christ, which does not ignore justice. This forgiveness is yours if you believe in Him. Then, you will be able to forgive in a way that is divine, indeed.